i have experienced deadbeats both up close and personally, as well as from afar. my early experiences began much like most of yours did - knowing someone who fit the category before you actually knew there was a category. webster defines deadbeat as, "a person who fails to pay personal debts". let's begin with some clarification. I'm not talking debts as in financial - I'm talking familial debts. like you have kids. they are your PERSON. thus, personal debts (because they are kids and can't do for themselves - unlike your grown ass self). the issue is cyclical, which sucks, because the only way to break it takes YEARS of blood, sweat, and tears. did i mention tears?? i have spent the majority of my afternoon and evening one hallmark card away from a full-blown-mental-breakdown-style weep-a-thon. i have literally been crying all day. and i keep feeling like it's stupid and what is my problem?! well, i've identified it. deadbeats. they are my problem. i am currently picking up the fallout from 3 different deadbeats on a daily (often minute by minute) basis, in the form of 7 (that's right, SEVEN) children. the oldest two are biologically mine, and the youngest 5 are our foster kids (that we would love to adopt if it goes that way).
back to the tears. today was a bloody train wreck. my youngest five (ages 2 -8) had a 6 hour visit with their dad today. they love going. dad's the best. no rules. eat whatever you want. if someone hits you, hit 'em back. if you don't feel like doing it, don't. and after all of this, if something still isn't going your way (which seems nearly impossible), the bigger fit you throw, the better results you'll yield! and really, why WOULD dad do it any differently? there are FIVE of them. that's a lot. and he never gets to see them. so if they want to ride dirt bikes without helmets, why not? he's the good guy! (see where this is going?) in this scenario, in they eyes of a 7 year old boy, i'm the bad guy. because it isn't ok to hit. or to say hell. and homework is not optional. and yes, you have to eat the broccoli in order to get the ice cream. but in the eyes of a 2 year old, its just mayhem and confusion.
its like that for all of them. every one of the kids in my house is being raised by someone other than a biological parent - because of deadbeats. my heart is breaking for these children. this IS NOT their fault. it is no wonder kids act out. what do we expect. as adults, we often can't make sense of this stupidity, how in the world can we expect them to? after dinner tonight i had one kid wailing himself to sleep because the shorts he wanted to wear to bed were in the washer. i had one freaking out because we had to drive him to youth group instead of riding his bike. i had one lose her stuff because i rinsed off the tooth brush instead of letting her. i had one spitting nails because i brushed her hair (after she spent 10 minutes getting no where with it). i had one fall apart because i told him he absolutely must stop encouraging the toddler to climb out of the crib. and a toddler who spent 98% of the last 4 hours sobbing uncontrollably for no reason at all, except that her precious little 2 year old mind cannot figure out what is going on in her little world. (a big shout out to the 12 year old who wasn't involved in tonight's drama!!)
but seriously, while this is a perfect recipe for a trip to crazy town, my heart is breaking. and i can't stop crying. these loser parents need to wake up and realize the repercussions of their selfish choices. THIS is what is wrong with society. these kids grow up in these whacked out environments, and have no choice but to repeat the cycle. and the ones that don't repeat it often have someone else raising them to thank for it. and let me tell you, raising someone else's kids is crazy. i used to give my husband big points for taking on my two as seamlessly as if they were his. and now that I'm doing it, i realize there are no points big enough. we bandage boo-boos, wipe butts, play tag, read stories, teach math, give kisses, cheer on, protect and love them as if they came from our own loins. and somewhere, there is someone out there from who's loins they did originate. what are they doing while my house is in epic chaos?
there is no excuse for parents to be "bad parents". its one thing to get your kids taken away. (i am not minimizing the pain that this must create. i cannot imagine this heart wrenching sadness and guilt). but don't you then do WHAT.EVER.IT. TAKES to get them back??? and i get it, the state is hopeful the family can be restored. but when you have 3 kids that are are seriously struggling in school and their afternoons are spent being shuttled to therapy appointments, visits with mom, visits with dad, homework, dinner, baths. and bed, how can we blame THEM for acting out when what they really NEED (and the reason they are kicking the back seats of the car and running through parking lots) is to be home playing outside while the weather is fantastic being a KID. not sitting in some counselor's office dissecting this past week's visit and these feelings while coloring so we don't make them think they're being too cerebral about the whole thing.
truthfully, i have not solved a damn thing. but i have identified it. the trouble is, how do we keep parents from going down this path? my money is on the church. it is an ugly business getting tangled up in some one's home life, especially if that home has a lot skeletons that really prefer the closet. but church, it is OUR job. and if we cannot change it in their home, we need to open ours to be God's hands and feet caring for these children and loving them, so they will learn that Jesus is the only way to true redemption. and He is the one who has the power to break the cycles.
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