hurry up and wait

hope used to be a tricky concept for me. i had tons of hope, but tried to mask it by telling myself all the ways something could go wrong. and when it did, a bit more was chipped from my well of hope. maybe you can relate? you secretly want something to go a certain way SO bad, but rather than allow that feeling of adversity when your hopes are dashed, you play a little game with yourself, so you think you will be surprised (!) when it goes the way you want it to. if you can relate to this, it will make perfect sense, if you cannot, this likely sounds like a completely illogical and ridiculous way to spend one's time. it is, in fact.

the reason hope was tricky for me was because my hope was in the thing or the situation or a person rather than Christ. last summer i had the privilege of learning more about hope through a study called, "abide" by naptime diaries (www. naptimediariesshop.com, #NTDABIDE ). while hope was not the premise of the study, it was certainly a by-product God chose to use, along with where i was and what i had been reading previously, to grow me a lot.  i realized that i was AFRAID TO HOPE. because it usually led to disappointment (wonder why?!). with all of this false hope running around, i was afraid to ask, because i was afraid of the answer. what God so gently told me during this time was that the more i seek and am in tune to HIS will, the more my hope mirrors HIM. 

here is where the rubber has met the road in my life recently...
we have began the process of adopting a sibling group. less than two weeks ago, we knew NOTHING. we are four classes into a series of nine to be completed (plus two additional classes after that). in this last week and half, God has given us a glimpse of what might lay in our future. much sooner than we anticipated. as i approach this situation, my hope is far different than it has been in the past, or would have been this time last year. do i want these particular children? ABSOLUTELY. have i began to love them in my heart already? ABSOLUTELY. the difference this time around is that i know i want NO PART of any of it that God has not given me. i am so thankful for this. i will mess it up without him. so, it's a game of hurry up and wait. we could know something as early as yesterday, or it could be 3 months. it could not be these specific children at all. and while i am praying daily (all day every day) for their tender little hearts, and washing sheets and preparing beds, i am not (terribly) disappointed (it's a process, people!) when another day goes by and i don't know more than i did the day before. i am overwhelmingly thankful for where God is growing me. today's reiteration came from my daily reading at #shereadstruth (shereadstruth.com): "God doesn't leave loose ends". as i said in an email to a friend yesterday, no matter what, i know God is surrounding this. please pray that we are ready to receive them and positioned for the hard work of teaching them the redemption that only comes from Jesus. i know it is not going to be lovely straight away. that is the beauty of family; it is not always lovely, but the imperfections are what point us to a Savior.  

please pray for us and with us!