hurry up and wait

hope used to be a tricky concept for me. i had tons of hope, but tried to mask it by telling myself all the ways something could go wrong. and when it did, a bit more was chipped from my well of hope. maybe you can relate? you secretly want something to go a certain way SO bad, but rather than allow that feeling of adversity when your hopes are dashed, you play a little game with yourself, so you think you will be surprised (!) when it goes the way you want it to. if you can relate to this, it will make perfect sense, if you cannot, this likely sounds like a completely illogical and ridiculous way to spend one's time. it is, in fact.

the reason hope was tricky for me was because my hope was in the thing or the situation or a person rather than Christ. last summer i had the privilege of learning more about hope through a study called, "abide" by naptime diaries (www. naptimediariesshop.com, #NTDABIDE ). while hope was not the premise of the study, it was certainly a by-product God chose to use, along with where i was and what i had been reading previously, to grow me a lot.  i realized that i was AFRAID TO HOPE. because it usually led to disappointment (wonder why?!). with all of this false hope running around, i was afraid to ask, because i was afraid of the answer. what God so gently told me during this time was that the more i seek and am in tune to HIS will, the more my hope mirrors HIM. 

here is where the rubber has met the road in my life recently...
we have began the process of adopting a sibling group. less than two weeks ago, we knew NOTHING. we are four classes into a series of nine to be completed (plus two additional classes after that). in this last week and half, God has given us a glimpse of what might lay in our future. much sooner than we anticipated. as i approach this situation, my hope is far different than it has been in the past, or would have been this time last year. do i want these particular children? ABSOLUTELY. have i began to love them in my heart already? ABSOLUTELY. the difference this time around is that i know i want NO PART of any of it that God has not given me. i am so thankful for this. i will mess it up without him. so, it's a game of hurry up and wait. we could know something as early as yesterday, or it could be 3 months. it could not be these specific children at all. and while i am praying daily (all day every day) for their tender little hearts, and washing sheets and preparing beds, i am not (terribly) disappointed (it's a process, people!) when another day goes by and i don't know more than i did the day before. i am overwhelmingly thankful for where God is growing me. today's reiteration came from my daily reading at #shereadstruth (shereadstruth.com): "God doesn't leave loose ends". as i said in an email to a friend yesterday, no matter what, i know God is surrounding this. please pray that we are ready to receive them and positioned for the hard work of teaching them the redemption that only comes from Jesus. i know it is not going to be lovely straight away. that is the beauty of family; it is not always lovely, but the imperfections are what point us to a Savior.  

please pray for us and with us! 

hugs from God

this may seem like an odd title, but there are many times i have felt like God is hugging me. they come in small waves or doses. you can feel them if you try. for me, they are there when i know WITHOUT A DOUBT that His hand was in something, and he chose to show it to me. let me give you a better example (and please bear with the backstory!)

when my oldest was about to start kindergarten, he was enrolled in a local christian school. three weeks before school started i found out they were not actually going to put him in kindergarten, but rather something called Jr. Kindergarten (or kindergarten purgatory - if you were the mom of the child hearing this). i was completely taken aback. he was MORE than ready. he was SO SMART. he had already completed pre-k, and it was TIME for kindergarten. after several phone calls and "mom the advocate" conversations (where there were few - if any - answers/reasons), i settled in and decided to trust God (wasn't that nice of me?).

in my oh-so-humble opinion, that year spent in kindergarten purgatory was the.best. year he will ever have in school. why? because his teacher was touched by God. i'm serious. a true child whisperer. i absolutely cannot say enough good things about her. not only was she the most amazing teacher, but she had a degree in child psychology and was also a child counselor. it showed. she was so good for not only my child, but me that i made sure my next child got to experience purgatory too! i seriously have the utmost love and respect for her and what she did for my little family of three who was reeling from divorce and loss and everything nasty that comes with that!

so back to hugs... tuesday, i'm back at target (no, that is not a coincidence) and i happen to bump into this exact teacher! i have not seen her in at least two years, so we begin small talking and i tell her our family's news. then she says, "my new job is counseling newly adopted children through trauma! as long as you live in the county its free!" i almost started bawling right there in target. you guys, i had been thinking a lot after our class last thursday about the counseling these kids are gonna need, and how dangerous child counseling can be if the right person isn't doing it. i even thought about trying to look up this particular person and see if she was taking new clients, since she is someone who not only knows our story, but whom i trust completely to do what is best for the child. i know she prays for these kids.

i walked away from her, basking in the hug. as i said last week, God's got this. and he is showing me little by little that His plan is FAR better than mine could EVER be.

What's New?

Today I was caught a bit off guard by the harmless, "what's new?".  I was minding my own business at Target - thrilled to be there by myself - when I bumped into one of my favorite employees from years ago.  The first thing she asked was, "what's new?".  I immediately give the token, "not a lot". Then I realized, I do have news!

Our family is in the process of adopting! We are SO excited. At this point, we have no idea what or who God has in store for us, and, in my opinion, this adds to the excitement! Here's what we do know: we are interested in adopting a sibling group, and are not opposed to older children. Beyond that it's all a guess. Matt and I have 9 weeks of classes (we are currently taking them right now) and then have 2 more classes we have to take in April. After that we will be licensed. And once we are licensed, the excitement begins!

There is much about this journey that awes me. Just how we got to this point is a testament of God's hand and direction(and another blog post!). Since August (when we officially submitted the application) we have begun mentally preparing for the growth of our family. We spent the holidays knowing this was very likely the "last year" we would be taking part in our favorite traditions as "just the four of us". It's a lot like knowing you're having a baby; but with a baby, you know you're getting a baby. And usually you know if that baby is going to be a boy or a girl (and if you don't know, it is because you didn't want to!), and you know if you are having more than one. In our case, our baby will be more than one baby, but we don't know how many more. We don't know if we'll have boys, girls, or what combination of them. We don't know how old they will be. We don't know who will be sleeping where, who will be sharing rooms, what they like to do. We don't know what we will drive. We have tons of unanswered questions. But, what we DO know trumps all that we don't. God's got this. All of it. Every question, concern, issue. He knows what our laughs are going to sound like, once we are all settled in together. He knows how long the long nights will go on. He knows who is sharing rooms and what we're going to drive! And to me, this is one of the greatest blessings I have ever known. God has invited me to sit back and watch Him work. 

I have spent many nights praying for these children who will soon be mine. I have no idea what they have gone through. No idea what they have feared, or loved, or will miss most. But God does. I have no idea what we will go through. But no matter what, if I know God has designed this (and trust me, He has!), then I know it is not mine to worry about. So, I pray. For us as parents. For our new children. For the two God has already given us. For the family we will become. And for God to be ever-present in this home. Please pray for us and with us. 

the truth hurts...

i am beginning to realize having a gifted child makes me lazy sometimes. i was reviewing with a friend over the weekend the reasons i was homeschooling, and i realized some of these reasons are coming dangerously close to resurfacing... BECAUSE OF ME. 

that was really hard for me to swallow. i consider myself my son's greatest advocate. but he is so smart that i often neglect his schoolwork, because he can figure it out on his own. the bigger issue, i fear, is that i am training him by my example (so why is he going to give 100% when he doesn't see me giving it!?) all of that being said, i am really committing to shifting gears and giving 100% to his education. after all, i was the one who pulled him out of school because i was afraid his brain was going to waste. 

i recently heard somewhere that there is a difference between interest and commitment. obviously, we understand this, but the reality of it sunk in for me. i have A LOT of interests. but there are very few things to which i am committed (which i do not feel is all bad). i would say i am committed to homeschooling, but my actions show it more as an interest. my heart would disagree, especially since i love my son and truly want what is best for him. but if that is the bottom line, i must commit (by my actions) to his education. 

there are two words in our vocabulary that i wish could be deleted. one of those is vulnerable (that's for another day). the other is sacrifice. i am part of the crowd who can comprehend these words, and also can respect the need for them in my individual life. of course i have learned first hand through experience that both of these words produce a more fulfilled life and purposeful relationships. but these words are a stretch for me. i mean it. i have misspelled them both every time i have typed them. these are intentional words. i do not usually carelessly stumble into vulnerability or sacrifice. but in order to commit to something (anything, really) it must be intentional. and really, a synonym for commit should be sacrifice. whatever it is, if we truly commit to it, there is quite a bit of sacrifice involved. (now, here is where we can get on to all the different levels of sacrifice. obviously, i'm not talking anything near the extent of Christ's sacrifice. i'm just talking the nominal, everyday kind. like i can't sit and read all day because i have a family that relies on me to__________ (fill in the blank with any number of things!). if this example seems a frivolous sacrifice then you have no idea how much i love to read.)

i have spent the morning detailing a homeschool plan for the month of november. i have included the kinds of projects and things that i think grayson will really enjoy and be excited about. i am committing to follow through with this (i've also given myself an easy start, he is going hunting and will have 4 days off school, plus thanksgiving gives us another 3 off!). i am excited to report back with some of the things we will do! we're starting today with custom crossword puzzle and tomorrow we are building a paper model of columbus' santa maria. we are also going to build a replica of the mayflower for a thanksgiving centerpiece. i'll post some photos along the way, too!

 ADVENTURES IN HOMESCHOOLING?!

that's right. i said homeschool. anyone who knows me KNOWS this is the last thing i would be caught dead doing, but here i am. and yes, i have learned the valuable lesson of "never say never"! so "why?" you ask. to make a long story not as long, it all started last winter...
i was aware grayson, was spending an immense amount of time in the classroom reading books (i worked at the school, so i saw this first hand). don't get me wrong, i LOVE books. but it was all he was doing. he never, ever brought home homework. and our time at parent/teacher conferences was spent hearing about the antics of the class clown (wonder where he gets that from?!). we have been told since day one that he's likely gifted, and i know school comes easy to him, but the idea of giving him extra work wasn't cutting it for me. the turning point came while we were on a cruise over new years and he asked me a question about the lifeboats. his questions are absurd. ("hey mom, if all the water in the world was in a glass, would the glass, would the glass be wider or deeper?") but what really got to me was the realization that i hadn't heard one of these absurd questions in a LONG time. which told me that he clearly was not being challenged. so the more we prayed about this, we decided to get him tested. and as it turns out, he is indeed gifted. now what? i really felt homeschool was where we needed to be, but i was facing a severe inner struggle. i'm talking severe. but the more research i did, the more certain i was. so... i am officially a homeschool mom. we have an excellent resource through which we are getting curriculum, etc. and i am totally at peace with it. matt and i decided to leave berkley in school this year where she has been, since she really does well in a school environment.

the real adventure comes when two people who are alike in every possible way, are together all the time. the good news is, we learn alike, so that is helpful! there are so many ways this is wonderful, and so many ways it is still a challenge. it is the epitome of on the job training. i am thankful that we get to be together all the time, and i miss berkley everyday, more than i did when they were both in school. it is also forcing me to be crazy organized (i plan the menu for breakfast, lunch, and dinner 2 weeks at a time and (hopefully) only make one trip to the store). i still haven't mastered balancing the house chores versus school. we work from 830 when i get home from taking berkley to school, and we usually stop around 3. so we have a very full day. some of those days i am sitting and working side by side with gray, and other days i abandon him for laundry, floors, etc. but its still early in the year and i have confidence i will learn to balance! stay tuned, one of my goals is to write more now that i am home all the time!

winter of our discontent featuring the best Christmas present ever!

it's been several months since my last post, and with the promise of summer comes my resolution to update this blog much more frequently. my new found change in circumstances (more on this later!) promises more time for just this type of goal. so, in an effort to make up for almost 10 months of radio silence, i will briefly summarize our winter... it's over. it's was blissfully uneventful, not even one single snow day to report.

that being said, we, as a family, did receive the most fabulous christmas present from my parents! on christmas eve, gigi and papaw presented their 7 grandchildren (and their parents) with a disney cruise departing christmas morning! (the adults, of course, knew ahead of time in order to take off work, pack in secret, acquire passports, etc.) it was a truly magical gift, and the memories will last forever! we spent the majority of christmas day in los angeles, and had an incredibly memorable christmas night filled with cocktails and hors'd ouevers around in a gorgeous waterfront fire pit. we were at sea for new years eve, attended a phenomenal pirate party (where black eyeliner was worn by EVERY member of our family), had a beautiful sunset dinner at an outdoor restaurant in cabo san lucas, spent the day on a pirate ship, and went on a very successful whale watching excursion! and the 5 girls in matching outfits we're arguably the cutest on the ship! these highlights don't even include the countless magical encounters with princess royalty, getting on an elevator with goofy, the excellent waitstaff who enchanted us day and night, 'round the clock child care (that the kids thought was a party in and of itself every time we dropped them off), bath towel oragami surprising us every evening and swimming outside in december! we will truly cherish those memories for the rest of our lives. anyone considering a disney cruise, i say run, don't walk! our kids ranged in age from 10 to 2, and there was always something for them to do and which to look forward

.i have a few pictures below, and promise to post again before early next week.  thanks for reading, enjoy the pictures, and check back next week for the latest! have a great week!

pettiskirts everywhere!!!

berkley lounging by the firepit

riding the luggage cart at the ritz in LA 

a day spent with the best pirates ever!

a lovely princess tea party

matt and shannah 

berkley and ariel

First Day of School (& other fun!)

the school year has finally started! i must admit i was very torn about it this year. we had such a fun, relaxing, and somewhat structured summer. and now that the kids are getting older, they are so much fun to be around. that being said, god must have known it would have been hard on me to see them go back this year, because as soon as we got back from vacation, the fighting started! eating, drinking, sleeping and a total of 100 hours (plus some) in the car must have been more than they could take! by the time school rolled around, i was ready! here are some photos from the first day...

                               grayson is going into 4th grade, and berkley is going into 2nd grade

(i made her dress!)

berkley and her teacher, mrs. miller 

gray and his buddies, justin and jake

gray was less than happy that i was "that" mom taking pictures. i told him if he didnt watch it i would bribe his college roomate to get first day of school pictures - and we all know college kids will do anything for food and money ; )

in other news, my sister and brother-in-law went to colorado for a few days and their girls, genna and nya, came to stay with us! we had a great time, and the kids were fabulous. we made it to two schools for pick up and drop off everyday, and had time to spare!

all of the girls got to ride to school together (even though they go to different schools. it was the happiest ride ever. (except for grayson who continues to wonder what he did to deserve 5 screeching girls and no boys in his life!)

lastly, my sister lauren took berkley to the festival of nations this weekend, and i thought these pictures were just too cute not to post!