I've solved society's problem...

i have experienced deadbeats both up close and personally, as well as from afar. my early experiences began much like most of yours did - knowing someone who fit the category before you actually knew there was a category. webster defines deadbeat as, "a person who fails to pay personal debts". let's begin with some clarification. I'm not talking debts as in financial - I'm talking familial debts. like you have kids. they are your PERSON. thus, personal debts (because they are kids and can't do for themselves - unlike your grown ass self). the issue is cyclical, which sucks, because the only way to break it takes YEARS of blood, sweat, and tears. did i mention tears?? i have spent the majority of my afternoon and evening one hallmark card away from a full-blown-mental-breakdown-style weep-a-thon. i have literally been crying all day. and i keep feeling like it's stupid and what is my problem?! well, i've identified it. deadbeats. they are my problem. i am currently picking up the fallout from 3 different deadbeats on a daily (often minute by minute) basis, in the form of 7 (that's right, SEVEN) children. the oldest two are biologically mine, and the youngest 5 are our foster kids (that we would love to adopt if it goes that way).

back to the tears. today was a bloody train wreck. my youngest five  (ages 2 -8) had a 6 hour visit with their dad today. they love going. dad's the best. no rules. eat whatever you want. if someone hits you, hit 'em back. if you don't feel like doing it, don't. and after all of this, if something still isn't going your way (which seems nearly impossible), the bigger fit you throw, the better results you'll yield! and really, why WOULD dad do it any differently? there are FIVE of them. that's a lot. and he never gets to see them. so if they want to ride dirt bikes without helmets, why not? he's the good guy! (see where this is going?) in this scenario, in they eyes of a 7 year old boy, i'm the bad guy. because it isn't ok to hit. or to say hell. and homework is not optional. and yes, you have to eat the broccoli in order to get the ice cream. but in the eyes of a 2 year old, its just mayhem and confusion.


its like that for all of them. every one of the kids in my house is being raised by someone other than a biological parent - because of deadbeats. my heart is breaking for these children. this  IS NOT their fault. it is no wonder kids act out. what do we expect. as adults, we often can't make sense of this stupidity, how in the world can we expect them to? after dinner tonight i had one kid wailing himself to sleep because the shorts he wanted to wear to bed were in the washer. i had one freaking out because we had to drive him to youth group instead of riding his bike. i had one lose her stuff because i rinsed off the tooth brush instead of letting her. i had one spitting nails because i brushed her hair (after she spent 10 minutes getting no where with it). i had one fall apart because i told him he absolutely must stop encouraging the toddler to climb out of the crib. and a toddler who spent 98% of the last 4 hours sobbing uncontrollably for no reason at all, except that her precious little 2 year old mind cannot figure out what is going on in her little world. (a big shout out to the 12 year old who wasn't involved in tonight's drama!!)

but seriously, while this is a perfect recipe for a trip to crazy town, my heart is breaking. and i can't stop crying. these loser parents need to wake up and realize the repercussions of their selfish choices. THIS is what is wrong with society. these kids grow up in these whacked out environments, and have no choice but to repeat the cycle. and the ones that don't repeat it often have someone else raising them to thank for it. and let me tell you, raising someone else's kids is crazy. i used to give my husband big points for taking on my two as seamlessly as if they were his. and now that I'm doing it, i realize there are no points big enough. we bandage boo-boos, wipe butts, play tag, read stories, teach math, give kisses, cheer on, protect and love them as if they came from our own loins. and somewhere, there is someone out there from who's loins they did originate. what are they doing while my house is in epic chaos?

there is no excuse for parents to be "bad parents". its one thing to get your kids taken away. (i am not minimizing the pain that this must create. i cannot imagine this heart wrenching sadness and guilt). but don't you then do WHAT.EVER.IT. TAKES to get them back???  and i get it, the state is hopeful the family can be restored. but when you have 3 kids that are are seriously struggling in school and their afternoons are spent being shuttled to therapy appointments, visits with mom, visits with dad, homework, dinner, baths. and bed, how can we blame THEM for acting out when what they really NEED (and the reason they are kicking the back seats of the car and running through parking lots) is to be home playing outside while the weather is fantastic being a KID. not sitting in some counselor's office dissecting this past week's visit and these feelings while coloring so we don't make them think they're being too cerebral about the whole thing.

truthfully, i have not solved a damn thing. but i have identified it. the trouble is, how do we keep parents from going down this path? my money is on the church. it is an ugly business getting tangled up in some one's home life, especially if that home has a lot skeletons that really prefer the closet. but church, it is OUR job. and if we cannot change it in their home, we need to open ours to be God's hands and feet caring for these children and loving them, so they will learn that Jesus is the only way to true redemption. and He is the one who has the power to break the cycles.

still... waiting...

it's been quite a while since we have updated anything, particularly because there is no news. we finished our classes at the end of april, and took the mandatory cpr/first aid class, so all there is to do now is just wait it out.

we have been praying about a new car and what kind would be best for us, and have (hopefully) completed that part of our process. we just need to take possession of it. we will officially christen it on our way to colorado this summer, complete with all of our camping gear!

the only bit of real news we have so far is that our kids are going back to school this fall! they are excited, and i am ready. we made this decision for several reasons, and the pros FAR outweighed the cons. we will have a middle-schooler and a high-schooler, along with whoever else happens to be living here then. not having started school until at least september the last few years, august 12 will certainly come quickly, but we are anticipating great things!

we ask that you continue to pray for us. we know there are good things in store. we pray daily for the children who will be here before we know it. it's a bit unnerving knowing that our lives will change dramatically ANY DAY, and while that can make us nervous, we are also anxious to begin this next chapter of our family. i am specifically praying that this happens sooner rather than later. i know God has this all mapped out (and does not need my help!), but having the majority of the summer to be together, intentionally bonding and getting to know each other will give the new children (and the old ones) and big advantage for the upcoming school year. thank you for walking this amazing adventure with us!

its a choice

(so this was written at the end of february, and apparently never posted. sorta like when you type the long epic text message only to look down 2 hours later and realize you never pushed send...)

this post could just easily be called, "my daily mantra". i am learning a lot about God's timing and the difference between trusting God, and really trusting God. our classes are a little more than half over, and our paper work is nearly completed. in the mean time, a sibling group has been identified that we are very interested in. on paper, and in our minds, this is a no brainer. but i am committed to leaning on God and resting in his timing (although it feels like more like trying to fall asleep on the most restless night imaginable - the kind where your mind doesn't stop and you continually toss and turn, you know the one).

the bible is FULL of God's promises. John 14:18, Hebrews 6:19, Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 12:9-10 are the ones that are daily getting me through this. i know enough about the home life of these sweet kids that each day that passes kills me more. but i also know this is all they know - while it may be hellish, it is home to them. and i while the odds are i only know the tip of the iceberg, God sees the WHOLE iceberg, every nook and cranny. as i have often said when I'm stuck in a hard place with my kids, God loves these kids more than i do. that seems impossible to us a parents, we'd do anything for our kids. but He feels the same way about us, and i am so grateful he does. i know God wants the sweet kids to have a better life. i don't know if he has us for them and them for us or not, but whatever his plan is, i know is it much better than mine.

so i will choose trust. open handed, mindful trust.

hurry up and wait

hope used to be a tricky concept for me. i had tons of hope, but tried to mask it by telling myself all the ways something could go wrong. and when it did, a bit more was chipped from my well of hope. maybe you can relate? you secretly want something to go a certain way SO bad, but rather than allow that feeling of adversity when your hopes are dashed, you play a little game with yourself, so you think you will be surprised (!) when it goes the way you want it to. if you can relate to this, it will make perfect sense, if you cannot, this likely sounds like a completely illogical and ridiculous way to spend one's time. it is, in fact.

the reason hope was tricky for me was because my hope was in the thing or the situation or a person rather than Christ. last summer i had the privilege of learning more about hope through a study called, "abide" by naptime diaries (www. naptimediariesshop.com, #NTDABIDE ). while hope was not the premise of the study, it was certainly a by-product God chose to use, along with where i was and what i had been reading previously, to grow me a lot.  i realized that i was AFRAID TO HOPE. because it usually led to disappointment (wonder why?!). with all of this false hope running around, i was afraid to ask, because i was afraid of the answer. what God so gently told me during this time was that the more i seek and am in tune to HIS will, the more my hope mirrors HIM. 

here is where the rubber has met the road in my life recently...
we have began the process of adopting a sibling group. less than two weeks ago, we knew NOTHING. we are four classes into a series of nine to be completed (plus two additional classes after that). in this last week and half, God has given us a glimpse of what might lay in our future. much sooner than we anticipated. as i approach this situation, my hope is far different than it has been in the past, or would have been this time last year. do i want these particular children? ABSOLUTELY. have i began to love them in my heart already? ABSOLUTELY. the difference this time around is that i know i want NO PART of any of it that God has not given me. i am so thankful for this. i will mess it up without him. so, it's a game of hurry up and wait. we could know something as early as yesterday, or it could be 3 months. it could not be these specific children at all. and while i am praying daily (all day every day) for their tender little hearts, and washing sheets and preparing beds, i am not (terribly) disappointed (it's a process, people!) when another day goes by and i don't know more than i did the day before. i am overwhelmingly thankful for where God is growing me. today's reiteration came from my daily reading at #shereadstruth (shereadstruth.com): "God doesn't leave loose ends". as i said in an email to a friend yesterday, no matter what, i know God is surrounding this. please pray that we are ready to receive them and positioned for the hard work of teaching them the redemption that only comes from Jesus. i know it is not going to be lovely straight away. that is the beauty of family; it is not always lovely, but the imperfections are what point us to a Savior.  

please pray for us and with us! 

hugs from God

this may seem like an odd title, but there are many times i have felt like God is hugging me. they come in small waves or doses. you can feel them if you try. for me, they are there when i know WITHOUT A DOUBT that His hand was in something, and he chose to show it to me. let me give you a better example (and please bear with the backstory!)

when my oldest was about to start kindergarten, he was enrolled in a local christian school. three weeks before school started i found out they were not actually going to put him in kindergarten, but rather something called Jr. Kindergarten (or kindergarten purgatory - if you were the mom of the child hearing this). i was completely taken aback. he was MORE than ready. he was SO SMART. he had already completed pre-k, and it was TIME for kindergarten. after several phone calls and "mom the advocate" conversations (where there were few - if any - answers/reasons), i settled in and decided to trust God (wasn't that nice of me?).

in my oh-so-humble opinion, that year spent in kindergarten purgatory was the.best. year he will ever have in school. why? because his teacher was touched by God. i'm serious. a true child whisperer. i absolutely cannot say enough good things about her. not only was she the most amazing teacher, but she had a degree in child psychology and was also a child counselor. it showed. she was so good for not only my child, but me that i made sure my next child got to experience purgatory too! i seriously have the utmost love and respect for her and what she did for my little family of three who was reeling from divorce and loss and everything nasty that comes with that!

so back to hugs... tuesday, i'm back at target (no, that is not a coincidence) and i happen to bump into this exact teacher! i have not seen her in at least two years, so we begin small talking and i tell her our family's news. then she says, "my new job is counseling newly adopted children through trauma! as long as you live in the county its free!" i almost started bawling right there in target. you guys, i had been thinking a lot after our class last thursday about the counseling these kids are gonna need, and how dangerous child counseling can be if the right person isn't doing it. i even thought about trying to look up this particular person and see if she was taking new clients, since she is someone who not only knows our story, but whom i trust completely to do what is best for the child. i know she prays for these kids.

i walked away from her, basking in the hug. as i said last week, God's got this. and he is showing me little by little that His plan is FAR better than mine could EVER be.

What's New?

Today I was caught a bit off guard by the harmless, "what's new?".  I was minding my own business at Target - thrilled to be there by myself - when I bumped into one of my favorite employees from years ago.  The first thing she asked was, "what's new?".  I immediately give the token, "not a lot". Then I realized, I do have news!

Our family is in the process of adopting! We are SO excited. At this point, we have no idea what or who God has in store for us, and, in my opinion, this adds to the excitement! Here's what we do know: we are interested in adopting a sibling group, and are not opposed to older children. Beyond that it's all a guess. Matt and I have 9 weeks of classes (we are currently taking them right now) and then have 2 more classes we have to take in April. After that we will be licensed. And once we are licensed, the excitement begins!

There is much about this journey that awes me. Just how we got to this point is a testament of God's hand and direction(and another blog post!). Since August (when we officially submitted the application) we have begun mentally preparing for the growth of our family. We spent the holidays knowing this was very likely the "last year" we would be taking part in our favorite traditions as "just the four of us". It's a lot like knowing you're having a baby; but with a baby, you know you're getting a baby. And usually you know if that baby is going to be a boy or a girl (and if you don't know, it is because you didn't want to!), and you know if you are having more than one. In our case, our baby will be more than one baby, but we don't know how many more. We don't know if we'll have boys, girls, or what combination of them. We don't know how old they will be. We don't know who will be sleeping where, who will be sharing rooms, what they like to do. We don't know what we will drive. We have tons of unanswered questions. But, what we DO know trumps all that we don't. God's got this. All of it. Every question, concern, issue. He knows what our laughs are going to sound like, once we are all settled in together. He knows how long the long nights will go on. He knows who is sharing rooms and what we're going to drive! And to me, this is one of the greatest blessings I have ever known. God has invited me to sit back and watch Him work. 

I have spent many nights praying for these children who will soon be mine. I have no idea what they have gone through. No idea what they have feared, or loved, or will miss most. But God does. I have no idea what we will go through. But no matter what, if I know God has designed this (and trust me, He has!), then I know it is not mine to worry about. So, I pray. For us as parents. For our new children. For the two God has already given us. For the family we will become. And for God to be ever-present in this home. Please pray for us and with us. 

the truth hurts...

i am beginning to realize having a gifted child makes me lazy sometimes. i was reviewing with a friend over the weekend the reasons i was homeschooling, and i realized some of these reasons are coming dangerously close to resurfacing... BECAUSE OF ME. 

that was really hard for me to swallow. i consider myself my son's greatest advocate. but he is so smart that i often neglect his schoolwork, because he can figure it out on his own. the bigger issue, i fear, is that i am training him by my example (so why is he going to give 100% when he doesn't see me giving it!?) all of that being said, i am really committing to shifting gears and giving 100% to his education. after all, i was the one who pulled him out of school because i was afraid his brain was going to waste. 

i recently heard somewhere that there is a difference between interest and commitment. obviously, we understand this, but the reality of it sunk in for me. i have A LOT of interests. but there are very few things to which i am committed (which i do not feel is all bad). i would say i am committed to homeschooling, but my actions show it more as an interest. my heart would disagree, especially since i love my son and truly want what is best for him. but if that is the bottom line, i must commit (by my actions) to his education. 

there are two words in our vocabulary that i wish could be deleted. one of those is vulnerable (that's for another day). the other is sacrifice. i am part of the crowd who can comprehend these words, and also can respect the need for them in my individual life. of course i have learned first hand through experience that both of these words produce a more fulfilled life and purposeful relationships. but these words are a stretch for me. i mean it. i have misspelled them both every time i have typed them. these are intentional words. i do not usually carelessly stumble into vulnerability or sacrifice. but in order to commit to something (anything, really) it must be intentional. and really, a synonym for commit should be sacrifice. whatever it is, if we truly commit to it, there is quite a bit of sacrifice involved. (now, here is where we can get on to all the different levels of sacrifice. obviously, i'm not talking anything near the extent of Christ's sacrifice. i'm just talking the nominal, everyday kind. like i can't sit and read all day because i have a family that relies on me to__________ (fill in the blank with any number of things!). if this example seems a frivolous sacrifice then you have no idea how much i love to read.)

i have spent the morning detailing a homeschool plan for the month of november. i have included the kinds of projects and things that i think grayson will really enjoy and be excited about. i am committing to follow through with this (i've also given myself an easy start, he is going hunting and will have 4 days off school, plus thanksgiving gives us another 3 off!). i am excited to report back with some of the things we will do! we're starting today with custom crossword puzzle and tomorrow we are building a paper model of columbus' santa maria. we are also going to build a replica of the mayflower for a thanksgiving centerpiece. i'll post some photos along the way, too!